Some Refuse the Loan of Life.
One of my favorite quotes when I think about the work done in therapy is on the homepage of my website:
“Some refuse the loan of life to avoid the debt of death.” - Otto Rank
I think Rank is articulating a primary struggle we face in our humanity - how do we make the most meaning of the time we have when we don’t know how much time that is?
Freud and other early psychoanalysts believed that at some point everyone will have to face their death anxiety (thanatos), but the harder thing to often articulate is our fear of living. If I refuse the loan that is being offered - maybe the debt collector won’t come for me?
This is obviously a false bargain - the debt collector will come for all of us one day. But how do we shake the anxiety that then comes from the possibility of living?
To put it another way - if I really take ownership of my life, what level of responsibility does that bring up for me? What areas feel too hard to reach? What if I fail? What if I don’t know what that means?
In my work with clients, this question comes up eventually in some form or fashion. Whether it’s through a career trajectory or thinking about legacy with children. I have had clients recognize they have been living as if the debt collector won’t come, only to shudder at the idea of now taking a hold of their life with passion and intentionality.
Ask anyone if they want to live a mediocre life and they will answer “no.” But upon further examination many of us are living on cruise control, not reconciling that we have limited time on this earth. I think this explains the core conflict - to recognize I might have to take on this loan is anxiety-inducing, so instead I will find ways to feel at peace (primarily through avoidance). To really take on this loan means we start to hear the ticking clock.
I spoke at a conference one summer and showed a group of high schooler students a 90 year life mapped out in week blocks. (There’s a great blog here: https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/05/life-weeks.html that illustrates this so beautifully). When faced with a graphical illustration of my life my chest tightens. I don’t want to face all the blocks I spent toiling away at something pointless…the blocks spent upset about something that later was less of a big deal than I felt at the time…
And to a room full of high schoolers who have nothing but blocks in front of them - they too did not like the reminder that their lives are finite. In trying to make it more relatable I broke down the 90 year life into weeks (4,860) and then thought about how much time that would be if it were seconds. 4,860 seconds is 1 hour and 18 minutes. If you look at a timer ticking away and imagine you only have 1 hour and 18 minutes to live - what do you feel?
Panic? Gratitude for the seconds you’ve already had? Drive? Inspiration? Sadness? Guilt?
This wrestling is where we can make meaning and from that meaning more decisively take ownership of the loan. Some days I wake up and feel incredible clarity on how to spend my time and what is meaningful. Other days I feel the weight of finite time and wonder if I’ve really made the most of this loan given to me.
The reality is, we must first start by acknowledging this life is a gift. Some level of awe and wonder is shown to improve our mental health and wellbeing. In his book, Awe: The New Science of Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life, Dacher Keltner found that experiencing awe helps us reorient our view of the world as well as our own lives. His research showed it reduced stress and help us challenge the inner critic that breeds cynicism and discontent.
Not that awe and wonder on their own can overcome the depth of pain and despair present in this life - but they do have a way of reminding us how small we are - how meaningful and rich life can be.
Not everyone who asks these questions of themselves are filled with anxiety and dread. Some people come into my office having lived enough life for the rest of us…but we all at some point should answer the question rather than have it answered for us.
Viktor Frankl said it this way: “Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.”
Our work in this life is to face the reality of responsibility that comes with agreeing to this loan. May we make the most of it without fear and with courage make meaning at each turn.
